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The life and thoughts of me

[Purple Angel]

My story. Let’s get it all out there.

So what’s my story? That is a big question to answer, but this post will be partially representative what my story is or at least a timeline of what’s happened. I’ll try and be as brief as I can. Anyways, here it goes:

I am a 21 year old survivor today and I’ve been a survivor since the day I was born.

The day I decided to come into this world, I was 3 and a 1/2 months premature. I was supposed to be born in October and came out in July. Weighing just 1lb 3oz, I fought for my life. Granted I don’t remember any of it, just what I’ve heard from my parents, and even that’s fuzzy right now. Anyways, with the help of some amazing medical staff I began to grow, but terrifyingly I had another set back. A catheter (I think that’s what it was?) that was somewhere in my arm (or hand or wrist?) got caught in a vein and sucked around my heart.
My parents had to get in contact with a doctor from outside the hospital to come up with a plan to get this tube away from my heart and out of my body. I was too small and vulnerable to have any kind of surgery, so this doctor finds a way to go through a jugular vein to get this catheter. And I survived. I grew up to have no physical and mental disabilities.
Well, with the exception of mental illnesses later on in my life. 

My childhood was complex, I grew up with two older brothers who loved and cared for me, but I can get more into that on another post. I’m going to jump ahead here…

It wasn’t until 7th grade that I first realized I might have depression and anxiety. I had symptoms early on, but I didn’t know any better. However, in 7th grade things got out of hand and I started self-harming. I went to my guidance counselor and she called home. I didn’t get much help for my depression, I only went to two therapy sessions. The rest of middle school was hell and then I entered high school. In 9th grade I started obsess more over my image. I joined the cross-country team and decided to lose a little weight. By 10th grade my depression, anxiety, and anorexia were out of control.

I ended up being hospitalized for suicidal ideations the winter of my sophomore of high school. I then started eating disorder treatment a week later.

I was in the hospital for 3 months before being discharged. I honestly thought I was recovered, but quickly my behaviors came back and the weight fell off. I was so ignorant to the whole recovery process. I was then put into a day treatment plan and met my therapist I still talk to today (5 years later). Although the treatment program was helpful, I needed more support. So I was hospitalized again in the spring of my Junior year. I was there for a month and a half before they released me for 3 days to see how I would manage eating at home again. It was my first morning home my brother died. He was just 19 when he took his life. I was discharged from the hospital and decided I needed to stay recovered for my family. I didn’t want them worrying about losing another child or sister. 

That next school year, my senior year of high school, I lost all 3 friendships. The only friendships I had due to them not understanding the space I was in mourning my brother. It was a year after my brother’s death that my parents finally divorced.  

I managed to graduate and left for college in August of 2014. It’s been a tough road since being here. My depression and anxiety get the best of me at times, but I’ve managed to fight and survive, even today. 

Today I’m a junior in college studying my passion, sociology. While I’m currently going through a tough time with depression and might need to partially withdraw from the semester, I’m still fighting. 

I’ll probably elaborate on a lot of these events in future posts. Nevertheless, there is my story! Which is more my story of the past, not so much of the present. 

Losing You

dsc_2886How can one planet hold such unrepairable distance between two people?

I’m drifting…

No traction under my feet to run back towards you

My body is running weary

Help. This distance is multiplying by the minute

A switch was triggered in our relationship

One that turned you away

And one that glued me closer

I ache in this emptiness

Drifting…

I give up on the fight

My body floating lifelessly

Allowing this distance to continue

The glue that once held me to you

The glue that once kept me off the ground

Is now crumbling apart

Drifting…

I awaken to turn my face away from your direction

My body begins to feel gravity again

What a beautiful feeling

As my feet lower back down

As I start to walk further away

As I gain my life back as my own

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