I remember being in such a dark place I was terrified of myself. Terrified of what I was capable of. I didn’t have my own best interest in mind. When you can’t even trust yourself… how can you trust in the world … in life?
I tried to call for help in those times. My body left weak and dazed from the survival of each day, I called out as loud as my lungs would allow. I heard numerous responses, but the majority don’t ever show up to lift your head back up.
I somehow got through even so. I have a distrusting heart and boundless insecurities due to it, however. I want to get even better. I want to trust in others. I want to feel deserving. But it’s been 20 years of hating my life. Until these past 2 years, I hated surviving each day. I felt burdened by those I wanted to be able to trust the most. Until 2 years ago, I couldn’t ever say I was happy.
When I start to feel down on how anxious and insecure I can get, how vulnerable I must look to those around me, I remember that I built myself up from fucking nothing. I had no one. No One through 15 years of my life. I fought through it all. I fought through all the setbacks. I have a long way to go, but I’m only 22. I grew from nothing to what I am today in 7 years. I fought my fucking ass of for 7 years. I need to have faith that I can continue to get through this.