There’s something to say about the beauty of life. With a fully honest heart, I never could even imagine I’d reach the point I have today. The point of joy and acceptance in my life. I struggled for as a long as I can remember with anorexia, anxiety, depression, ADD. I didn’t know a life without one of those things. I never thought my life would get better or that waiting out the hard times would equate wonderful, joyful, accepting times in my life. It’s so hard to give hope to the hopeless, but I promise I’ve been to dark places. I’ve gone miles past any light left in my life and it aches to remember those traumatic experiences all due to my own illnesses in my brain. The enemy is literally inside you at those times. It’s terrifying to figure out who to listen to. Only, if you try each day to make some sort of good decision. To just keep thinking, slowly, about what’s the best thing you can do for yourself each day. It won’t be perfect at first, sometimes you might do the worst thing you could do to yourself that day. It’s okay. Forgive, try again. Eventually you’ll be able to make more and more decisions for YOU! I’m not perfect either, at almost 22 years old I still have so much to learn. In those dark times, I (very) slowly learned how to accept other’s help to guide me back to the light. It took me literally until this year. Only my life wasn’t 22 years of torture, and now it’s simply fantastic. I had and have my ups in downs throughout life. While this may be an “up” time for me, I’m accepting of it and not waiting for the down to hit. I’m excited and proud I’m here. Because every time you have an “up” moment, however fleeting, it means your heart and soul are still fighting for recovery. You are still fighting to figure how to inherit self-love and acceptance to the flaws and hiccups along the way.
To get here wasn’t just motivation to get better, it took trial and error for what therapist was best for me. It took 3 hospitalizations. It took over a dozen different kinds of medications. Only, I don’t regret any of those times because I learned so much about myself through all of it. It made me all that more passionate about who I want to grow into and how I want to live my life. I’ve grown so much and I am so proud of myself. I’m also so thankful for everyone who’s helped me along the way, because no I couldn’t have done it alone. No one can. Accept help, forgive yourself for “bad” decisions, continue to recover even if that means taking 10 steps back. I promise the fight is worth it. I’m so sorry it’s been so bad for so long, there’s no timeline that can tell you when you’ll start to see the light again. Just do everything you can to imagine a better life, though, envision a true you that can accept life for what it is. Life is covered with boundless and spontaneous perfections and horrid tragedies. It’s inevitable to get affected by the tragedies, but keep powering forward for the moments we all could describe of as perfect. When everything just feels okay for once. I’m not talking about moments without any sadness, but moments where you have faith in yourself and your abilities to live how you’ve always wanted to live!